Do you have a desire? Silly question I know because everybody has desires, just not the same ones. Of course there are many that most of us share like those old clichés of health, wealth, and happiness. But there are some that are exclusive to a certain group of people. For example; a musician may desire to play at the Albert Hall but have no interest in constructing his own website. But enough rambling, it’s time I got to the point.
Ask any successful person how they achieved their success and the answer will invariably be along the lines of first identifying the desire, and then achieving that desire by breaking it down into a sequence of smaller steps to be accomplished along the way. Only when these smaller steps have been identified and mapped out can the journey of achievement truly begin.
Sometimes the desire can seem monumental, perhaps even appearing unattainable. But just as conquering the highest peaks, or running a marathon begins with the first step and is followed by the second step, so too does the achievement of desire. If you can visualize the outcome, you can plan a strategy to achieve it. The strategy may have to be adapted along the way, but without it you achieve little.
The secret of achieving your desires then is to identify the steps you need to take - these are your goals and you should write them down. Sort them into long term goals and short term goals, like tasks you can achieve today, within the next week, this month, this year, and so on. Then work on what you can do now to accomplish one of these goals. When it is done you can tick it off the list and move on. Take time to congratulate yourself too because you just scored a goal!
Begin Your Journey to Personal Improvement.
Life is About Choices and the Decisions We Make
Life is like a road. There are long and short roads; smooth and rocky roads; crooked and straight paths. In our life many roads would come our way as we journey through life. There are roads that lead to a life of single blessedness, marriage, and religious vocation. There are also roads that lead to fame and fortune on one hand, or isolation and poverty on the other. There are roads to happiness as there are roads to sadness, roads towards victory and jubilation, and roads leading to defeat and disappointment.
Just like any road, there are corners, detours, and crossroads in life. Perhaps the most perplexing road that you would encounter is a crossroad. With four roads to choose from and with limited knowledge on where they would go, which road will you take? What is the guarantee that we would choose the right one along the way? Would you take any road, or just stay where you are: in front of a crossroad?
There are no guarantees.
You do not really know where a road will lead you until you take it. There are no guarantees. This is one of the most important things you need to realize about life. Nobody said that choosing to do the right thing all the time would always lead you to happiness. Loving someone with all your heart does not guarantee that it would be returned. Gaining fame and fortune does not guarantee happiness. Accepting a good word from an influential superior to cut your trip short up the career ladder is not always bad, especially if you are highly qualified and competent. There are too many possible outcomes, which your really cannot control. The only thing you have power over is the decisions that you will make, and how you would act and react to different situations.
Wrong decisions are always at hindsight.
Had you known that you were making a wrong decision, would you have gone along with it? Perhaps not, why would you choose a certain path when you know it would get you lost? Why make a certain decision if you knew from the very beginning that it is not the right one. It is only after you have made a decision and reflected on it that you realize its soundness. If the consequences or outcomes are good for you, then you have decided correctly. Otherwise, your decision was wrong.
Take the risk: decide.
Since life offers no guarantee and you would never know that your decision would be wrong until you have made it, then you might as well take the risk and decide. It is definitely better than keeping yourself in limbo. Although it is true that one wrong turn could get you lost, it could also be that such a turn could be an opportunity for an adventure, moreover open more roads. It is all a matter of perspective. You have the choice between being a lost traveller or an accidental tourist of life. But take caution that you do not make decisions haphazardly. Taking risks is not about being careless and stupid. Here are some pointers that could help you choose the best option in the face of life’s crossroads:
· Get as many information as you can about your situation.
You cannot find the confidence to decide when you know so little about what you are faced with. Just like any news reporter, ask the 5 W’s: what, who, when, where, and why. What is the situation? Who are the people involved? When did this happen? Where is this leading? Why are you in this situation? These are just some of the possible questions to ask to know more about your situation. This is important. Oftentimes, the reason for indecision is the lack of information about a situation.
· Identify and create options.
What options do the situation give you? Sometimes the options are few, but sometimes they are numerous. But what do you do when you think that the situation offers no options? This is the time that you create your own. Make your creative mind work. From the most simplistic to the most complicated, entertain all ideas. Do not shoot anything down when an idea comes to your head. Sometimes the most outrageous idea could prove to be the right one in the end. You can ask a friend to help you identify options and even make more options if you encounter some difficulty, but make sure that you make the decision yourself in the end.
· Weigh the pros and cons of every option.
Assess each option by looking at the advantages and disadvantages it offers you. In this way, you get more insights about the consequences of such an option.
· Trust yourself and make that decision.
Now that you have assessed your options, it is now time to trust yourself. Remember that there are no guarantees and wrong decisions are always at hindsight. So choose… decide… believe that you are choosing the best option at this point in time.
Now that you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. It may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience to your own life. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time can tell. But do not regret it whatever the outcome. Instead, learn from it and remember that you always have the chance to make better decisions in the future.
Just like any road, there are corners, detours, and crossroads in life. Perhaps the most perplexing road that you would encounter is a crossroad. With four roads to choose from and with limited knowledge on where they would go, which road will you take? What is the guarantee that we would choose the right one along the way? Would you take any road, or just stay where you are: in front of a crossroad?
There are no guarantees.
You do not really know where a road will lead you until you take it. There are no guarantees. This is one of the most important things you need to realize about life. Nobody said that choosing to do the right thing all the time would always lead you to happiness. Loving someone with all your heart does not guarantee that it would be returned. Gaining fame and fortune does not guarantee happiness. Accepting a good word from an influential superior to cut your trip short up the career ladder is not always bad, especially if you are highly qualified and competent. There are too many possible outcomes, which your really cannot control. The only thing you have power over is the decisions that you will make, and how you would act and react to different situations.
Wrong decisions are always at hindsight.
Had you known that you were making a wrong decision, would you have gone along with it? Perhaps not, why would you choose a certain path when you know it would get you lost? Why make a certain decision if you knew from the very beginning that it is not the right one. It is only after you have made a decision and reflected on it that you realize its soundness. If the consequences or outcomes are good for you, then you have decided correctly. Otherwise, your decision was wrong.
Take the risk: decide.
Since life offers no guarantee and you would never know that your decision would be wrong until you have made it, then you might as well take the risk and decide. It is definitely better than keeping yourself in limbo. Although it is true that one wrong turn could get you lost, it could also be that such a turn could be an opportunity for an adventure, moreover open more roads. It is all a matter of perspective. You have the choice between being a lost traveller or an accidental tourist of life. But take caution that you do not make decisions haphazardly. Taking risks is not about being careless and stupid. Here are some pointers that could help you choose the best option in the face of life’s crossroads:
· Get as many information as you can about your situation.
You cannot find the confidence to decide when you know so little about what you are faced with. Just like any news reporter, ask the 5 W’s: what, who, when, where, and why. What is the situation? Who are the people involved? When did this happen? Where is this leading? Why are you in this situation? These are just some of the possible questions to ask to know more about your situation. This is important. Oftentimes, the reason for indecision is the lack of information about a situation.
· Identify and create options.
What options do the situation give you? Sometimes the options are few, but sometimes they are numerous. But what do you do when you think that the situation offers no options? This is the time that you create your own. Make your creative mind work. From the most simplistic to the most complicated, entertain all ideas. Do not shoot anything down when an idea comes to your head. Sometimes the most outrageous idea could prove to be the right one in the end. You can ask a friend to help you identify options and even make more options if you encounter some difficulty, but make sure that you make the decision yourself in the end.
· Weigh the pros and cons of every option.
Assess each option by looking at the advantages and disadvantages it offers you. In this way, you get more insights about the consequences of such an option.
· Trust yourself and make that decision.
Now that you have assessed your options, it is now time to trust yourself. Remember that there are no guarantees and wrong decisions are always at hindsight. So choose… decide… believe that you are choosing the best option at this point in time.
Now that you have made a decision, be ready to face its consequences: good and bad. It may take you to a place of promise or to a land of problems. But the important thing is that you have chosen to live your life instead of remaining a bystander or a passive audience to your own life. Whether it is the right decision or not, only time can tell. But do not regret it whatever the outcome. Instead, learn from it and remember that you always have the chance to make better decisions in the future.
What Creates Self-Esteem?
We all want to feel good about ourselves but many of us go about this in the ways that will never create self-esteem.
Do you believe that you will have high self-esteem when:
• You make a lot of money?
• You achieve a high position in your work?
• You have an expensive car or an expensive home?
• You are famous?
• You find the right relationship?
• You receive approval from the important people in your life?
While all of these can result in momentary good feelings, none of them create a deep and abiding sense of self-esteem.
Self-esteem actually has nothing to do with your achievements or with other people. Self-esteem results from two things regarding your inner relationship with yourself:
• How you see yourself
• How you treat yourself
Richard, a client of mine, is a very successful businessman. He is wealthy, lives is a big house, has expensive cars, a lovely wife and three children. But Richard consulted with me because of his low self-esteem. He was perplexed that he continued to feel so inadequate in spite of all that he had achieved and all that he had.
As we worked together, it became apparent that, no matter what the outer truth was, Richard continued to see himself as the inadequate child his father told him he was. His inner dialogue was often self-critical, just as his father had been with him. And not only did Richard constantly judge himself as his father had judged him, he treated himself as his father had treated him – ignoring his own feelings and needs. As a result, Richard was always looking to others for the attention and approval that he didn’t receive from his father and was not giving to himself. Instead of being a loving parent to the child within him, he was a harsh and inattentive inner parent.
Jackie, another client of mine, is a very successful actress. Yet fame and fortune have not given her self-esteem. No matter how many people tell her how beautiful and talented she is, she still feels inadequate and insecure most of the time. This is because, on the inner level, Jackie is constantly telling herself that she is stupid. “How could I have made that stupid remark!” “How could I have acted so stupid?” Mirroring her mother’s own self-judgments and her judgments toward Jackie, she is constantly putting herself down. Until Jackie learns to see herself through eyes of truth rather than eyes of judgment, she will continue to feel inadequate and insecure.
It might make it easier to see how you create your own high or low self-esteem if you think of your feeling self as a child within. No matter how much you achieve or how much approval you get from others, if you are treating your inner child badly – by ignoring your feelings and judging yourself - you will continue to feel inadequate. If you continue to see yourself through the distorted eyes of your parents, siblings, peers or teachers, and continue to treat yourself the way they treated you or the way they treated themselves, you will continue to have low self-esteem. If you open to seeing the truth of who you really are – a beautiful divine soul who just wants to love – then you will treat yourself as you would treat anyone whom you saw as a beautiful divine soul. When you take loving action in your own behalf, you will feel valued rather than inadequate. Loving actions might include:
• Speaking up for yourself with others and telling your truth without blame or judgment in conflict situations.
• Taking care of your body through eating well, getting enough exercise, enough sleep, and so on.
• Creating a balance between work, rest, play and creative time.
• Treating yourself and others with respect and compassion rather than with judgment.
• Attending to - rather than ignoring - your own feelings and needs.
• Taking the time to pray and meditate.
• Choosing to notice your thoughts and practicing inner self-discipline regarding your thoughts.
When taking loving action in your own behalf replaces your inattentive and judgmental behavior toward yourself, you will feel high self-esteem.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Article Source: http://www.positivearticles.com
Do you believe that you will have high self-esteem when:
• You make a lot of money?
• You achieve a high position in your work?
• You have an expensive car or an expensive home?
• You are famous?
• You find the right relationship?
• You receive approval from the important people in your life?
While all of these can result in momentary good feelings, none of them create a deep and abiding sense of self-esteem.
Self-esteem actually has nothing to do with your achievements or with other people. Self-esteem results from two things regarding your inner relationship with yourself:
• How you see yourself
• How you treat yourself
Richard, a client of mine, is a very successful businessman. He is wealthy, lives is a big house, has expensive cars, a lovely wife and three children. But Richard consulted with me because of his low self-esteem. He was perplexed that he continued to feel so inadequate in spite of all that he had achieved and all that he had.
As we worked together, it became apparent that, no matter what the outer truth was, Richard continued to see himself as the inadequate child his father told him he was. His inner dialogue was often self-critical, just as his father had been with him. And not only did Richard constantly judge himself as his father had judged him, he treated himself as his father had treated him – ignoring his own feelings and needs. As a result, Richard was always looking to others for the attention and approval that he didn’t receive from his father and was not giving to himself. Instead of being a loving parent to the child within him, he was a harsh and inattentive inner parent.
Jackie, another client of mine, is a very successful actress. Yet fame and fortune have not given her self-esteem. No matter how many people tell her how beautiful and talented she is, she still feels inadequate and insecure most of the time. This is because, on the inner level, Jackie is constantly telling herself that she is stupid. “How could I have made that stupid remark!” “How could I have acted so stupid?” Mirroring her mother’s own self-judgments and her judgments toward Jackie, she is constantly putting herself down. Until Jackie learns to see herself through eyes of truth rather than eyes of judgment, she will continue to feel inadequate and insecure.
It might make it easier to see how you create your own high or low self-esteem if you think of your feeling self as a child within. No matter how much you achieve or how much approval you get from others, if you are treating your inner child badly – by ignoring your feelings and judging yourself - you will continue to feel inadequate. If you continue to see yourself through the distorted eyes of your parents, siblings, peers or teachers, and continue to treat yourself the way they treated you or the way they treated themselves, you will continue to have low self-esteem. If you open to seeing the truth of who you really are – a beautiful divine soul who just wants to love – then you will treat yourself as you would treat anyone whom you saw as a beautiful divine soul. When you take loving action in your own behalf, you will feel valued rather than inadequate. Loving actions might include:
• Speaking up for yourself with others and telling your truth without blame or judgment in conflict situations.
• Taking care of your body through eating well, getting enough exercise, enough sleep, and so on.
• Creating a balance between work, rest, play and creative time.
• Treating yourself and others with respect and compassion rather than with judgment.
• Attending to - rather than ignoring - your own feelings and needs.
• Taking the time to pray and meditate.
• Choosing to notice your thoughts and practicing inner self-discipline regarding your thoughts.
When taking loving action in your own behalf replaces your inattentive and judgmental behavior toward yourself, you will feel high self-esteem.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. best-selling author of eight books, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com.
Article Source: http://www.positivearticles.com
Become a Problem Solver and Control Your Own Destiny
Problem solving has become a skill that is practiced by few and in demand by many. Instead of solving our own problems, we hire someone else to do it for us. People hire professionals to solve all sorts of problems that most people used to deal with themselves. While this may create a comfortable barrier for some, it also provides the opportunity for others to make major league mistakes in our name.
Just ask anyone in the corporate workplace how many times they wished that an email or memo sent out in their name had been looked over or proof read more carefully. Ask any client of a tax preparation service who has been called for an audit or fined whether or not it was worth it to have someone else prepare his or her return. Most decisions to allow others to take care of your problems come from what you may perceive as lack of time to do it yourself.
We are all overwhelmed with information, communication and time issues. People demand immediate answers to lengthy emails, memos, letters or phone calls. Tax and other official forms get longer and more complicated each year. Just keeping your car registration, driver’s license or even a library card up to date seems to require answers to several dozen questions and a visit to some place where you have to take a number and wait four hours to see someone who resents helping you. Just paying your bills each month can turn into a monotonous chore. Therefore, you take some shortcuts.
You sign up for online bill pay with your bank. You allow auto-pay to handle whatever bill pay cannot. You pay an extra fee or two to avoid standing in line for some license or card renewal. You write a couple of sentences and allow staff members to fill in the blanks when it comes to emails, letters or memos. You handle a few important calls by saying hello, and then turn the call over to someone else to hammer out the details. On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with all of this. Everything is right with the world until the system fails you.
You start being over-charged by your utility, cable or phone company even after they promised a practically infallible system of monthly auto-pay. Despite using bill pay through a bank or payment system, your credit card, vehicle or revolving charge payments start arriving late leaving you stuck with fees and credit problems. Friends, business associates and family members become annoyed with you because they receive impersonal emails, letters or phone calls from someone other then you. You become a victim of identity theft because of all those time saving forms you filled out on line.
At some point, you become aware that handling things and solving problems yourself can have some distinct advantages. It’s all about learning how to face the problem monsters, successfully defeat them and confront the time wasters who create these horrors. The truth is that no one has time for every demand that people like placing on him or her. I have seen more then a few people simply implode and run away from families, jobs and schools because the pressure got to them. It didn’t have to go that far if they had been willing to try to solve even the smallest of their problems. It’s not the big problems that defeat us, but a thousand small ones.
Becoming a problem solver means creating a realistic limit on the things that place demands on your daily life. It means prioritizing. You can’t take Aunt Suzy shopping, answer all your communications, attend the wedding of your third cousin removed, watch your children’s ballgame and take your wife out for lunch, all at the same time. You have to learn how to say, “No.” You cannot allow people to send you on any number of endless guilt trips because you do not have the time to do what everyone expects of you. Their expectations are based on their own needs, not yours. They are the ones who ought to feel guilty.
Successful problem solving means learning to balance your personal and professional life. This often means making some hard choices. There are many wealthy people out there today worth millions of dollars who also have two or more ex-spouses and lots of child support payments. That’s because few relationships can stand up to one partner working a twelve or fourteen hour day and the other doing everything else.
If work is your life, keep your personal choices wide open and avoid walking down the wedding aisle. If marriage, a long-term relationship and children are important to you, make sure you have the time needed to invest in those things. Choose your job or business with your personal life in mind. Remember, no one will ever take care better of your family, job or business better then you. This doesn’t mean micro managing. It does mean being able to be around when your needed for tough business decisions or family responsibilities. Since you cannot be everywhere at once, you need to limit the number of issues that will require your personal attention at any one time.
Being a good problem solver also means becoming a tough negotiator. People have to understand that you are not like the rest of the crowd that will often cave in to avoid a confrontation. That doesn’t mean that you always have to bring a machine gun to the negotiating table. Sometimes you can bring a jar of honey. The idea is to find out what your opponent needs to complete the deal. As long as you’re not on the losing end, what does it matter? If negotiating is an important skill for a problem solver to possess, being able to communicate successfully is vital.
Too many people write long-winded letters, emails or memos. Others leave long provocative voice messages. They will do this because they lack good communication skills or simply want to make themselves look self-important and put you on the spot. Such communications are often pointless time wasters, but still require a response. If you can actually figure out what they are trying to say, respond with a short answer and leave the door open for future discussion at your convenience. If it’s just a communication designed to get your goat, send a prepared, form-like response saying that you appreciate their input and will take it into consideration. The good book offers some great advice on this. It tells us to ignore a foolish question. Otherwise, in trying to answer, we sound as foolish as the person who asked it.
The final piece of the problem solver puzzle involves being prepared for any eventuality. Decide, in advance, how you will respond to most any situation. This puts you in the driver’s seat and takes the momentary advantage of surprise away from any competitor, adversary or opponent. The most successful people in the world are those who have been able to take charge of their lives in every way. They are also the most dangerous to their competition. Taking charge means being ready for what life throws at you, limiting the number of demands on your time, handling your own finances and controlling your own destiny.
Author: Bill Knell
Author's Email: billknell@cox.net
Author's Website: http://www.billknell.com
Just ask anyone in the corporate workplace how many times they wished that an email or memo sent out in their name had been looked over or proof read more carefully. Ask any client of a tax preparation service who has been called for an audit or fined whether or not it was worth it to have someone else prepare his or her return. Most decisions to allow others to take care of your problems come from what you may perceive as lack of time to do it yourself.
We are all overwhelmed with information, communication and time issues. People demand immediate answers to lengthy emails, memos, letters or phone calls. Tax and other official forms get longer and more complicated each year. Just keeping your car registration, driver’s license or even a library card up to date seems to require answers to several dozen questions and a visit to some place where you have to take a number and wait four hours to see someone who resents helping you. Just paying your bills each month can turn into a monotonous chore. Therefore, you take some shortcuts.
You sign up for online bill pay with your bank. You allow auto-pay to handle whatever bill pay cannot. You pay an extra fee or two to avoid standing in line for some license or card renewal. You write a couple of sentences and allow staff members to fill in the blanks when it comes to emails, letters or memos. You handle a few important calls by saying hello, and then turn the call over to someone else to hammer out the details. On the surface, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with all of this. Everything is right with the world until the system fails you.
You start being over-charged by your utility, cable or phone company even after they promised a practically infallible system of monthly auto-pay. Despite using bill pay through a bank or payment system, your credit card, vehicle or revolving charge payments start arriving late leaving you stuck with fees and credit problems. Friends, business associates and family members become annoyed with you because they receive impersonal emails, letters or phone calls from someone other then you. You become a victim of identity theft because of all those time saving forms you filled out on line.
At some point, you become aware that handling things and solving problems yourself can have some distinct advantages. It’s all about learning how to face the problem monsters, successfully defeat them and confront the time wasters who create these horrors. The truth is that no one has time for every demand that people like placing on him or her. I have seen more then a few people simply implode and run away from families, jobs and schools because the pressure got to them. It didn’t have to go that far if they had been willing to try to solve even the smallest of their problems. It’s not the big problems that defeat us, but a thousand small ones.
Becoming a problem solver means creating a realistic limit on the things that place demands on your daily life. It means prioritizing. You can’t take Aunt Suzy shopping, answer all your communications, attend the wedding of your third cousin removed, watch your children’s ballgame and take your wife out for lunch, all at the same time. You have to learn how to say, “No.” You cannot allow people to send you on any number of endless guilt trips because you do not have the time to do what everyone expects of you. Their expectations are based on their own needs, not yours. They are the ones who ought to feel guilty.
Successful problem solving means learning to balance your personal and professional life. This often means making some hard choices. There are many wealthy people out there today worth millions of dollars who also have two or more ex-spouses and lots of child support payments. That’s because few relationships can stand up to one partner working a twelve or fourteen hour day and the other doing everything else.
If work is your life, keep your personal choices wide open and avoid walking down the wedding aisle. If marriage, a long-term relationship and children are important to you, make sure you have the time needed to invest in those things. Choose your job or business with your personal life in mind. Remember, no one will ever take care better of your family, job or business better then you. This doesn’t mean micro managing. It does mean being able to be around when your needed for tough business decisions or family responsibilities. Since you cannot be everywhere at once, you need to limit the number of issues that will require your personal attention at any one time.
Being a good problem solver also means becoming a tough negotiator. People have to understand that you are not like the rest of the crowd that will often cave in to avoid a confrontation. That doesn’t mean that you always have to bring a machine gun to the negotiating table. Sometimes you can bring a jar of honey. The idea is to find out what your opponent needs to complete the deal. As long as you’re not on the losing end, what does it matter? If negotiating is an important skill for a problem solver to possess, being able to communicate successfully is vital.
Too many people write long-winded letters, emails or memos. Others leave long provocative voice messages. They will do this because they lack good communication skills or simply want to make themselves look self-important and put you on the spot. Such communications are often pointless time wasters, but still require a response. If you can actually figure out what they are trying to say, respond with a short answer and leave the door open for future discussion at your convenience. If it’s just a communication designed to get your goat, send a prepared, form-like response saying that you appreciate their input and will take it into consideration. The good book offers some great advice on this. It tells us to ignore a foolish question. Otherwise, in trying to answer, we sound as foolish as the person who asked it.
The final piece of the problem solver puzzle involves being prepared for any eventuality. Decide, in advance, how you will respond to most any situation. This puts you in the driver’s seat and takes the momentary advantage of surprise away from any competitor, adversary or opponent. The most successful people in the world are those who have been able to take charge of their lives in every way. They are also the most dangerous to their competition. Taking charge means being ready for what life throws at you, limiting the number of demands on your time, handling your own finances and controlling your own destiny.
Author: Bill Knell
Author's Email: billknell@cox.net
Author's Website: http://www.billknell.com
Unlock Your Personal Improvement Power
When we look at a certain object, a painting for example – we won’t be able to appreciate what’s in it, what is painted and what else goes with it if the painting is just an inch away from our face. But if we try to take it a little further, we’ll have a clearer vision of the whole art work.
We reach a point in our life when we are ready for change and a whole bunch of information that will help us unlock our self improvement power. Until then, something can be staring us right under our nose but we don’t see it. The only time we think of unlocking our self improvement power is when everything got worst. Take the frog principle for example –
Try placing Frog A in a pot of boiling water. What happens? He twerps! He jumps off! Why? Because he is not able to tolerate sudden change in his environment – the water’s temperature. Then try Frog B: place him in a luke warm water, then turn the gas stove on. Wait til the water reaches a certain boiling point. Frog B then thinks “Ooh… it’s a bit warm in here”.
People are like Frog B in general. Today, Anna thinks Carl hates her. Tomorrow, Patrick walks up to her and told her he hates her. Anna stays the same and doesn’t mind her what her friends says. The next day, she learned that Kim and John also abhors her. Anna doesn’t realize at once the importance and the need for self improvement until the entire community hates her.
We learn our lessons when we experience pain. We finally see the warning signs and signals when things get rough and tough. When do we realize that we need to change diets? When none of our jeans and shirts would fit us. When do we stop eating candies and chocolates? When all of our teeth has fallen off. When do we realize that we need to stop smoking? When our lungs have gone bad. When do we pray and ask for help? When we realize that we’re gonna die tomorrow.
The only time most of us ever learn about unlocking our self improvement power is when the whole world is crashing and falling apart. We think and feel this way because it is not easy to change. But change becomes more painful when we ignore it.
Change will happen, like it or hate it. At one point or another, we are all going to experience different turning points in our life – and we are all going to eventually unlock our self improvement power not because the world says so, not because our friends are nagging us, but because we realized its for our own good.
Happy people don’t just accept change, they embrace it. Now, you don’t have to feel a tremendous heat before realizing the need for self improvement. Unlocking your self improvement power means unlocking yourself up in the cage of thought that “its just the way I am”. It is such a poor excuse for people who fear and resist change. Most of us program our minds like computers.
Jen repeatedly tells everyone that she doesn’t have the guts to be around groups of people. She heard her mom, her dad, her sister, her teacher tell the same things about her to other people. Over the years, that is what Jen believes. She believes its her story. And what happens? Every time a great crowd would troop over their house, in school, and in the community – she tends to step back, shy away and lock herself up in a room. Jen didn’t only believed in her story, she lived it.
Jen has to realize that she is not what she is in her story. Instead of having her story post around her face for everyone to remember, she has to have the spirit and show people “I am an important person and I should be treated accordingly!”
Self improvement may not be everybody’s favorite word, but if we look at things in a different point of view, we might have greater chances of enjoying the whole process instead of counting the days until we are fully improved. Three sessions in a week at the gym would result to a healthier life, reading books instead of looking at porns will shape up a more profound knowledge, going out with friends and peers will help you take a step back from work and unwind. And just when you are enjoying the whole process of unlocking your self improvement power, you’ll realize that you’re beginning to take things light and become happy.
We reach a point in our life when we are ready for change and a whole bunch of information that will help us unlock our self improvement power. Until then, something can be staring us right under our nose but we don’t see it. The only time we think of unlocking our self improvement power is when everything got worst. Take the frog principle for example –
Try placing Frog A in a pot of boiling water. What happens? He twerps! He jumps off! Why? Because he is not able to tolerate sudden change in his environment – the water’s temperature. Then try Frog B: place him in a luke warm water, then turn the gas stove on. Wait til the water reaches a certain boiling point. Frog B then thinks “Ooh… it’s a bit warm in here”.
People are like Frog B in general. Today, Anna thinks Carl hates her. Tomorrow, Patrick walks up to her and told her he hates her. Anna stays the same and doesn’t mind her what her friends says. The next day, she learned that Kim and John also abhors her. Anna doesn’t realize at once the importance and the need for self improvement until the entire community hates her.
We learn our lessons when we experience pain. We finally see the warning signs and signals when things get rough and tough. When do we realize that we need to change diets? When none of our jeans and shirts would fit us. When do we stop eating candies and chocolates? When all of our teeth has fallen off. When do we realize that we need to stop smoking? When our lungs have gone bad. When do we pray and ask for help? When we realize that we’re gonna die tomorrow.
The only time most of us ever learn about unlocking our self improvement power is when the whole world is crashing and falling apart. We think and feel this way because it is not easy to change. But change becomes more painful when we ignore it.
Change will happen, like it or hate it. At one point or another, we are all going to experience different turning points in our life – and we are all going to eventually unlock our self improvement power not because the world says so, not because our friends are nagging us, but because we realized its for our own good.
Happy people don’t just accept change, they embrace it. Now, you don’t have to feel a tremendous heat before realizing the need for self improvement. Unlocking your self improvement power means unlocking yourself up in the cage of thought that “its just the way I am”. It is such a poor excuse for people who fear and resist change. Most of us program our minds like computers.
Jen repeatedly tells everyone that she doesn’t have the guts to be around groups of people. She heard her mom, her dad, her sister, her teacher tell the same things about her to other people. Over the years, that is what Jen believes. She believes its her story. And what happens? Every time a great crowd would troop over their house, in school, and in the community – she tends to step back, shy away and lock herself up in a room. Jen didn’t only believed in her story, she lived it.
Jen has to realize that she is not what she is in her story. Instead of having her story post around her face for everyone to remember, she has to have the spirit and show people “I am an important person and I should be treated accordingly!”
Self improvement may not be everybody’s favorite word, but if we look at things in a different point of view, we might have greater chances of enjoying the whole process instead of counting the days until we are fully improved. Three sessions in a week at the gym would result to a healthier life, reading books instead of looking at porns will shape up a more profound knowledge, going out with friends and peers will help you take a step back from work and unwind. And just when you are enjoying the whole process of unlocking your self improvement power, you’ll realize that you’re beginning to take things light and become happy.
How to Have a Great Life
I'm sure most people would really prefer to have a great life but they don't seem to know how to do it. Having a great life really comes down to five simple steps. If you follow these steps your life will take on new zest and you really will have a great life.
The First Step is to Make Some Choices.
Do you like making decisions or do you tend to avoid making decisions? If you have a habit of sitting on the fence then all you'll end up with is splinters in your butt. In order to have a great life you have to make some decisions about what you want to do and have in life.
If you ask kids who are leaving school what they really want to do with their life most of them don't know. That's okay because they are only kids and haven't experienced much of life yet. What is sad is that when most of these kids are 50 years old they still won't know what they really want to do in life because they have avoided the effort required to think about it. They are just floating along with the masses without any planned direction, living the life of Mr. and Mrs. Average.
Life is full of possibility. All you have to do is make a decision what you want your life to be like and then choose to follow that path.
The Second Step is to Become a Player Not a Spectator
Step one suggested that you make choices. The first choice to make in life is to become a player rather than a spectator. A player is someone who takes action in order to affect the outcome in the game. A spectator is someone who is at the mercy of the choices that other people make. If you are a spectator then you get whatever life dishes out whether you like it or not.
Have you ever watched a sporting match where your team is losing? It's frustrating isn't it? You really want your team to win but there is nothing you can do to help. Whether they win or lose has nothing to do with you.
Have you ever felt like that in life? Your life just seems to go along a path that doesn't really inspire you but it all seems to be outside your control. If that is happening to you it is because you are a spectator.
Decide to become a player. Decide do something to effect the outcomes in your life. Life will be a lot more fun if you do.
The Third Step is to Develop Self Discipline.
The key to moving from a spectator to a player is to develop self discipline. All great players, regardless of the sport, have developed self discipline. They need to discipline themselves to learn the skills of the game. They need to discipline themselves to practice those skills and to build up the strength and fitness they require. And most of all they need to discipline themselves to make good decisions when the game is in full swing and the pressure is on.
The game of life is the same. There are skills to learn, strength and fitness to develop and most of all you need the self discipline to do what you have to do when the pressure of life in on you. Self discipline is the key that opens the door to what ever you want in life.
The Fourth Step in Creating a Great Life is to Live With Passion.
How did you get out of bed this morning? Did you jump out with enthusiasm for the day ahead or did you reluctantly drag yourself out?
Life is either a passionate adventure or it's nothing! If you don't have a passion for life then you'd better make finding one your number one priority. Life is short, don't let the opportunity pass you by.
The Fifth Step to a Great Life is to Focus on Beauty and Joy.
What do you tend to see most in life the beauty or the ugliness, the joy or the sorrow, the passion or the hardship, the solutions or the problems, the health or the sickness, the wealth or the poverty, the opportunities or the difficulties, the excitement or the boredom, the rewards or the work, the wins or the losses, the happiness or the sadness. It all comes back to step number one; making a choice.
One of the most powerful universal principles of living is that what you focus on expands. If you focus on the pleasures of being healthy then you will be healthy but if you focus on sickness then you will get sick. If you focus on beauty, joy and passion then your life will be filled with beauty joy and passion but if you focus on ugliness, sorrow and hardship then that is what will expand in your life.
How Are You Playing the Game of Life?
How do you score on the five steps to a great life? Are you a choice maker and a player in the game of life? Do you have the self discipline to follow up on your choices and develop the mental and emotion strength and fitness to be a great player in the game? Do you see the beauty, joy, health, wealth and opportunity that life offers?
The answers to those simple questions determine what your life is like today and what it will be like tomorrow. The choice is yours.
Acclaimed Author & Success Coach, James Delrojo
will show you how to turn your life around in just 30 days
and unlock the flood gates of success. You Deserve Success!
Go to http://www.SuccessIn30days.com
The First Step is to Make Some Choices.
Do you like making decisions or do you tend to avoid making decisions? If you have a habit of sitting on the fence then all you'll end up with is splinters in your butt. In order to have a great life you have to make some decisions about what you want to do and have in life.
If you ask kids who are leaving school what they really want to do with their life most of them don't know. That's okay because they are only kids and haven't experienced much of life yet. What is sad is that when most of these kids are 50 years old they still won't know what they really want to do in life because they have avoided the effort required to think about it. They are just floating along with the masses without any planned direction, living the life of Mr. and Mrs. Average.
Life is full of possibility. All you have to do is make a decision what you want your life to be like and then choose to follow that path.
The Second Step is to Become a Player Not a Spectator
Step one suggested that you make choices. The first choice to make in life is to become a player rather than a spectator. A player is someone who takes action in order to affect the outcome in the game. A spectator is someone who is at the mercy of the choices that other people make. If you are a spectator then you get whatever life dishes out whether you like it or not.
Have you ever watched a sporting match where your team is losing? It's frustrating isn't it? You really want your team to win but there is nothing you can do to help. Whether they win or lose has nothing to do with you.
Have you ever felt like that in life? Your life just seems to go along a path that doesn't really inspire you but it all seems to be outside your control. If that is happening to you it is because you are a spectator.
Decide to become a player. Decide do something to effect the outcomes in your life. Life will be a lot more fun if you do.
The Third Step is to Develop Self Discipline.
The key to moving from a spectator to a player is to develop self discipline. All great players, regardless of the sport, have developed self discipline. They need to discipline themselves to learn the skills of the game. They need to discipline themselves to practice those skills and to build up the strength and fitness they require. And most of all they need to discipline themselves to make good decisions when the game is in full swing and the pressure is on.
The game of life is the same. There are skills to learn, strength and fitness to develop and most of all you need the self discipline to do what you have to do when the pressure of life in on you. Self discipline is the key that opens the door to what ever you want in life.
The Fourth Step in Creating a Great Life is to Live With Passion.
How did you get out of bed this morning? Did you jump out with enthusiasm for the day ahead or did you reluctantly drag yourself out?
Life is either a passionate adventure or it's nothing! If you don't have a passion for life then you'd better make finding one your number one priority. Life is short, don't let the opportunity pass you by.
The Fifth Step to a Great Life is to Focus on Beauty and Joy.
What do you tend to see most in life the beauty or the ugliness, the joy or the sorrow, the passion or the hardship, the solutions or the problems, the health or the sickness, the wealth or the poverty, the opportunities or the difficulties, the excitement or the boredom, the rewards or the work, the wins or the losses, the happiness or the sadness. It all comes back to step number one; making a choice.
One of the most powerful universal principles of living is that what you focus on expands. If you focus on the pleasures of being healthy then you will be healthy but if you focus on sickness then you will get sick. If you focus on beauty, joy and passion then your life will be filled with beauty joy and passion but if you focus on ugliness, sorrow and hardship then that is what will expand in your life.
How Are You Playing the Game of Life?
How do you score on the five steps to a great life? Are you a choice maker and a player in the game of life? Do you have the self discipline to follow up on your choices and develop the mental and emotion strength and fitness to be a great player in the game? Do you see the beauty, joy, health, wealth and opportunity that life offers?
The answers to those simple questions determine what your life is like today and what it will be like tomorrow. The choice is yours.
Acclaimed Author & Success Coach, James Delrojo
will show you how to turn your life around in just 30 days
and unlock the flood gates of success. You Deserve Success!
Go to http://www.SuccessIn30days.com
Your Foundation to Self Improvement
Imagine this: You came to the meeting thoroughly prepared, ready to give your best. While giving your presentation, somebody cuts you suddenly in the middle, asking some silly questions. It could have been easy for you to throw a counter-punch, a silly answer. Trouble is, that silly person is your BOSS. What a tough situation!
So how do you stay calm, composed and maintain self esteem in a tough environment?
Have you ever played bowling? Or at least have been familiar with the game? It is normally played with ten pins arranged in an orderly fashion. The player then throws one ball at a time, hoping to knock down all ten with each throw.
Come with me to the wonderland of visualization . . . Let´s go to your favorite bowling alley and develop a strong self-esteem while playing mental bowling. In this world, you set the rules, and of course, play to win. Here we play with five balls and one pin, throwing the ball one-at-a-time and . . .
. . . all of a sudden you realized that you are the pin, and everyone else is holding the ball ready to be thrown at you. These balls will destroy your self esteem and break you down in ways you won´t even remember. Yes, you will be destroyed, but only if you let them. Bear in mind, this is your world, and you are here to win. Don´t let them destroy you, or get the best of you. You always have the option not to be hit.
So, which balls should you avoid?
Ball #1: Negative Environment
Be aware of "dog-eat-dog" theory where everyone else is fighting just to get ahead. There is too much politics in this type of environment. This is where non-appreciative people usually thrive, and the handwriting on the wall says; "When I am right, no one remembers. When I am wrong, no one forgets." No one appreciates your contributions even if you miss lunch or dinner, or stay up late just to finish your job. Most of the time you are left on your own - you get to work too much without getting help from people concerned.
If you can´t stay out of this, learn how to deal with it. Otherwise, it will ruin your self esteem. Be prudent to know that competition is at stake anywhere. Be healthy enough to compete, but in a healthy competition that is.
Ball #2: Other People´s Behavior
Bulldozers, brown nosers, gossipmongers, whiners, backstabbers, snipers, people walking wounded, controllers, naggers, complainers, exploders, patronizers, snuffers . . . all these types of people pose bad vibes for your self esteem, as well as your self improvement scheme. These are downers that tend to pull you into a quagmire of low morale and self-deprecation. Be aware, and beware.
Ball #3: Changing World
Everything is moving, changing, transforming. One must go with the change. You can´t be a square peg in a round hole! Change challenges our paradigms. It tests our flexibility, adaptability and modifies our way of thinking. A lot of people look at change as a restraining force. I would rather look at it as a catalyst for improvement. Change makes life difficult for awhile - it creates temporary stress necessary to compel us to move forward. Change is man´s twin factor. Without it, life has no meaning. Accept change as inevitable, and learn how to manage it well.
Ball #4: Things of the Past
It´s okay to cry and say "Ouch!" when we experience pain. But don´t allow painful experiences to create a mental cage of fear, which we often call by the name "trauma." It certainly grabs you by the tail and swings you around. Treat each failure and mistake as a lesson to be learned. Remember, there is no such thing as failure - only result. Keep this perspective in mind, and look at past mistakes with a triumphant eye, knowing you will never commit the same in the future.
Ball #5: Your Own View of the World
Look at what you´re looking at. Don´t wrap yourself up with all the negativities of the world. In building self esteem, you must learn how to make the best out of worst situations. While some react by building fortresses to protect them, others create bridges to connect. To which group do you belong?
Life Is What You Make It
You may notice there are those who are born negative thinkers, while others are born positive thinkers. WRONG. Being positive, and staying positive, is a choice - not an inborn talent. Sometimes you wonder why some people are born lucky, and at times you wonder why others are born at all. DON´T. You create your own luck. You brand your own life. Life is what you make it.
In life, it´s hard to get going, especially when the going gets hard - when events and people around pull you down. But this is not enough reason to quit. When one goes to battle, he does not go there as is, where is. One should prepare instead, by choosing the appropriate equipment, the right armory to bring for future use. It determines success, or negative consequence, during encounter in actual combat.
Life is just the same. Nobody comes into this world complete and endowed with all the best. We all start with specific handicaps, in our attitude, behavior, way of thinking. As you go through life, you are presented an array of options, and the power to choose is yours. You can choose to remain handicapped and mediocre, or you can decide to improve yourself and become excellent.
Building self esteem eventually leads to self improvement, once we start becoming responsible for who we are, what we do, and what we become. It´s like a flame that should gradually spread like a "bush fire," from inside-out. When we develop self esteem, we take control of our mission in life, the values we hold dear, and a character reflective of our personal integrity.
So how do you stay calm, composed and maintain self esteem in a tough environment?
Have you ever played bowling? Or at least have been familiar with the game? It is normally played with ten pins arranged in an orderly fashion. The player then throws one ball at a time, hoping to knock down all ten with each throw.
Come with me to the wonderland of visualization . . . Let´s go to your favorite bowling alley and develop a strong self-esteem while playing mental bowling. In this world, you set the rules, and of course, play to win. Here we play with five balls and one pin, throwing the ball one-at-a-time and . . .
. . . all of a sudden you realized that you are the pin, and everyone else is holding the ball ready to be thrown at you. These balls will destroy your self esteem and break you down in ways you won´t even remember. Yes, you will be destroyed, but only if you let them. Bear in mind, this is your world, and you are here to win. Don´t let them destroy you, or get the best of you. You always have the option not to be hit.
So, which balls should you avoid?
Ball #1: Negative Environment
Be aware of "dog-eat-dog" theory where everyone else is fighting just to get ahead. There is too much politics in this type of environment. This is where non-appreciative people usually thrive, and the handwriting on the wall says; "When I am right, no one remembers. When I am wrong, no one forgets." No one appreciates your contributions even if you miss lunch or dinner, or stay up late just to finish your job. Most of the time you are left on your own - you get to work too much without getting help from people concerned.
If you can´t stay out of this, learn how to deal with it. Otherwise, it will ruin your self esteem. Be prudent to know that competition is at stake anywhere. Be healthy enough to compete, but in a healthy competition that is.
Ball #2: Other People´s Behavior
Bulldozers, brown nosers, gossipmongers, whiners, backstabbers, snipers, people walking wounded, controllers, naggers, complainers, exploders, patronizers, snuffers . . . all these types of people pose bad vibes for your self esteem, as well as your self improvement scheme. These are downers that tend to pull you into a quagmire of low morale and self-deprecation. Be aware, and beware.
Ball #3: Changing World
Everything is moving, changing, transforming. One must go with the change. You can´t be a square peg in a round hole! Change challenges our paradigms. It tests our flexibility, adaptability and modifies our way of thinking. A lot of people look at change as a restraining force. I would rather look at it as a catalyst for improvement. Change makes life difficult for awhile - it creates temporary stress necessary to compel us to move forward. Change is man´s twin factor. Without it, life has no meaning. Accept change as inevitable, and learn how to manage it well.
Ball #4: Things of the Past
It´s okay to cry and say "Ouch!" when we experience pain. But don´t allow painful experiences to create a mental cage of fear, which we often call by the name "trauma." It certainly grabs you by the tail and swings you around. Treat each failure and mistake as a lesson to be learned. Remember, there is no such thing as failure - only result. Keep this perspective in mind, and look at past mistakes with a triumphant eye, knowing you will never commit the same in the future.
Ball #5: Your Own View of the World
Look at what you´re looking at. Don´t wrap yourself up with all the negativities of the world. In building self esteem, you must learn how to make the best out of worst situations. While some react by building fortresses to protect them, others create bridges to connect. To which group do you belong?
Life Is What You Make It
You may notice there are those who are born negative thinkers, while others are born positive thinkers. WRONG. Being positive, and staying positive, is a choice - not an inborn talent. Sometimes you wonder why some people are born lucky, and at times you wonder why others are born at all. DON´T. You create your own luck. You brand your own life. Life is what you make it.
In life, it´s hard to get going, especially when the going gets hard - when events and people around pull you down. But this is not enough reason to quit. When one goes to battle, he does not go there as is, where is. One should prepare instead, by choosing the appropriate equipment, the right armory to bring for future use. It determines success, or negative consequence, during encounter in actual combat.
Life is just the same. Nobody comes into this world complete and endowed with all the best. We all start with specific handicaps, in our attitude, behavior, way of thinking. As you go through life, you are presented an array of options, and the power to choose is yours. You can choose to remain handicapped and mediocre, or you can decide to improve yourself and become excellent.
Building self esteem eventually leads to self improvement, once we start becoming responsible for who we are, what we do, and what we become. It´s like a flame that should gradually spread like a "bush fire," from inside-out. When we develop self esteem, we take control of our mission in life, the values we hold dear, and a character reflective of our personal integrity.
Do You Seem to Get Caught Up in the Same Old Reactions?
Have you ever blown up at your spouse only to realize—after the smoke cleared—that you might have over-reacted just a tad? Maybe you learn that you haven"t been invited to your uncle"s friend"s sister"s birthday party and you behave as if it"s the slight of the century.
Sometimes even the most minor snafu can send us storming out of the room, slamming down a phone, or just shutting down entirely. It"s like we just can"t help it—the reaction is as automatic as a mallet to the knee.
Science Reveals It May Not Be Your Fault
New research indicates that these habitual, knee-jerk responses go way back to our childhood. As youngsters, we learned to adapt to our families" idiosyncrasies as a way of survival. Psychologists used to refer to these coping mechanisms as our baggage—but what science has now shown us is that these responses are actually hard-wired into our brains. And because our responses are so ingrained, they have become our filtering system for future incidents. In other words, if something happens today that the brain reads as being similar to something that happened in the past, it will respond as if it were the first time, even though you may be in your 30"s, 40"s, 50"s, 60"s and beyond.
Bringing This to Life
For example, let"s say a child comes from a home where the parents fight frequently. That child is going to associate yelling with bad feelings. In later years, if his spouse raises her voice, he"s likely to shut down like when he was a kid—metaphorically running to his room, closing the door, and essentially blocking out the noise.
Does this mean if you come from a family of yellers you"re doomed to hide under your bed every time someone raises a voice? Luckily, recent research indicates that the brain continues to grow throughout our lives—and old patterns can be released as new ones are formed in your boomer years..
Help Is On the Way
The way to managing your anger and knee jerk reactions is to establish new connections by refocusing your attention to a different outcome or possibility. But, before you can foster these new connections in your brain, you have to be aware of the old brain triggers.
When I try and distinguish whether someone"s reaction is a past association, I look to see if their reaction to the situation is automatic and intense. Additionally, when I try and offer an alternative to why they"re behaving that way, the person is resistant and reluctant to consider any other view or interpretation of the situation—other than their own.
In my practice, I work extensively with clients to help them rewire and rewrite their lives. Here is an easy exercise to get you started on rewiring your brain to control your anger and over-reactions that will bring about positive changes in your life-today!
1. Thinking of Alternatives:
a. When you"re projecting your past experience onto a present one, try and imagine alternative ways to handle the situation. For example, let"s say you have lunch plans with a friend—who cancels at the last minute. Immediately, you feel an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection. Which is how you always feel in similar situations—indicating—voila—a past pattern! Be conscious of this and take a step back to recognize it.
b. Then, approach the situation from an entirely different perspective. Maybe you use humor to deflect the bad feelings, thinking to yourself, "Gee, I guess it"s my deodorant." Or, you choose the direct approach and ask your friend if you"ve done something to upset her. Or, you take the practical route and figure your friend just overbooked, overextended, or over-promised—and give her a get-out-of-jail-free card. (Hint: If you have difficulty coming up with alternative ways to handle the situation, think about how someone else - your mother, a childhood friend, an admired acquaintance - might handle the same situation.)
2. Plugging in New Choices:
a. Now, replay the actual situation as vividly as possible—the phone ringing, the sound of your friend"s voice, the awkward goodbyes—and imagine yourself carrying out one of your new solutions. Maybe you decide that being understanding of your friend"s busy schedule is the best choice.
b. Replay the phone call and plug in your new behavior, the understanding you, rather than playing out your old behavior of feeling rejected and hurt.
Making it Last
Before long, you will begin to see a slight shift in how you feel. By doing this exercise again and again, you will refocus your attention on a new outcome. This will rewire your brain and make a new neural connection—a connection to positive change!
Finally, a psychologist who goes that extra mile and cares about the people she helps. Whether Karen Sherman, Ph.D. is giving a speech, offering a teleseminar, or offering a workshop - she"s helping people become aware of their choices and connect to their full potential. Let Karen help you learn to make positive life choices both personally and in your relationships by signing up for her free newsletter at http://www.drkarensherman.com/newsletter.htm
Have you ever blown up at your spouse only to realize—after the smoke cleared—that you might have over-reacted just a tad? Maybe you learn that you haven"t been invited to your uncle"s friend"s sister"s birthday party and you behave as if it"s the slight of the century.
Sometimes even the most minor snafu can send us storming out of the room, slamming down a phone, or just shutting down entirely. It"s like we just can"t help it—the reaction is as automatic as a mallet to the knee.
Science Reveals It May Not Be Your Fault
New research indicates that these habitual, knee-jerk responses go way back to our childhood. As youngsters, we learned to adapt to our families" idiosyncrasies as a way of survival. Psychologists used to refer to these coping mechanisms as our baggage—but what science has now shown us is that these responses are actually hard-wired into our brains. And because our responses are so ingrained, they have become our filtering system for future incidents. In other words, if something happens today that the brain reads as being similar to something that happened in the past, it will respond as if it were the first time, even though you may be in your 30"s, 40"s, 50"s, 60"s and beyond.
Bringing This to Life
For example, let"s say a child comes from a home where the parents fight frequently. That child is going to associate yelling with bad feelings. In later years, if his spouse raises her voice, he"s likely to shut down like when he was a kid—metaphorically running to his room, closing the door, and essentially blocking out the noise.
Does this mean if you come from a family of yellers you"re doomed to hide under your bed every time someone raises a voice? Luckily, recent research indicates that the brain continues to grow throughout our lives—and old patterns can be released as new ones are formed in your boomer years..
Help Is On the Way
The way to managing your anger and knee jerk reactions is to establish new connections by refocusing your attention to a different outcome or possibility. But, before you can foster these new connections in your brain, you have to be aware of the old brain triggers.
When I try and distinguish whether someone"s reaction is a past association, I look to see if their reaction to the situation is automatic and intense. Additionally, when I try and offer an alternative to why they"re behaving that way, the person is resistant and reluctant to consider any other view or interpretation of the situation—other than their own.
In my practice, I work extensively with clients to help them rewire and rewrite their lives. Here is an easy exercise to get you started on rewiring your brain to control your anger and over-reactions that will bring about positive changes in your life-today!
1. Thinking of Alternatives:
a. When you"re projecting your past experience onto a present one, try and imagine alternative ways to handle the situation. For example, let"s say you have lunch plans with a friend—who cancels at the last minute. Immediately, you feel an overwhelming sense of hurt and rejection. Which is how you always feel in similar situations—indicating—voila—a past pattern! Be conscious of this and take a step back to recognize it.
b. Then, approach the situation from an entirely different perspective. Maybe you use humor to deflect the bad feelings, thinking to yourself, "Gee, I guess it"s my deodorant." Or, you choose the direct approach and ask your friend if you"ve done something to upset her. Or, you take the practical route and figure your friend just overbooked, overextended, or over-promised—and give her a get-out-of-jail-free card. (Hint: If you have difficulty coming up with alternative ways to handle the situation, think about how someone else - your mother, a childhood friend, an admired acquaintance - might handle the same situation.)
2. Plugging in New Choices:
a. Now, replay the actual situation as vividly as possible—the phone ringing, the sound of your friend"s voice, the awkward goodbyes—and imagine yourself carrying out one of your new solutions. Maybe you decide that being understanding of your friend"s busy schedule is the best choice.
b. Replay the phone call and plug in your new behavior, the understanding you, rather than playing out your old behavior of feeling rejected and hurt.
Making it Last
Before long, you will begin to see a slight shift in how you feel. By doing this exercise again and again, you will refocus your attention on a new outcome. This will rewire your brain and make a new neural connection—a connection to positive change!
Finally, a psychologist who goes that extra mile and cares about the people she helps. Whether Karen Sherman, Ph.D. is giving a speech, offering a teleseminar, or offering a workshop - she"s helping people become aware of their choices and connect to their full potential. Let Karen help you learn to make positive life choices both personally and in your relationships by signing up for her free newsletter at http://www.drkarensherman.com/newsletter.htm
Learn How To Appreciate Yourself and Others
I grew up in a home that was filled with guilt. As bizarre as it may seem, that guilt grew out of very generous behavior. My parents always thought of other people. In many cases, they were forced to. Both worked hard and were always striving to do better. While not rich or even financially comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, relatives were often envious of the fiscal stability that they had achieved. This led family members to drop their problems at our doorstep. I can"t remember a time when some poor or sick relative wasn"t living in our house. When children couldn"t be easily managed or needed temporary shelter, family members didn"t think twice about leaving them with us for extended periods of time.
Despite the added responsibilities heaped on to our family, I can honestly say that I never felt slighted. However, there was an emotional price to be paid for the generosity forced out of us. Most of our acts of kindness were rewarded with jealousy and ingratitude. This led us to hold each other to a higher standard when it came to appreciation. That higher standard was actually guilt in disguise and began to affect everything we did for each other. As a child, it was particularly upsetting to me. Almost anything I did for myself brought about a response like, "Think of someone else besides yourself for a change." So I did. In fact, thinking of other people and putting them first became a really bad habit. Not because there"s anything wrong with being unselfish, but because I often forgot to be as generous with myself as I was trying to be with others.
It took me years to see what a flunky I had become. I began to see how those I tried to help often rewarded my efforts with the same ingratitude and jealousy that my parents had experienced. It was a classic case of personal neglect. My entire existence had become focused on satisfying the personal guilt that had been burned into my soul during the early years of my life. When your life is driven by guilt, there"s very little room for personal appreciation, achievement or growth. The best way to step out of that mold is by beginning to understand that actions driven by guilt and those motivated by kindness are two separate things.
Guilt is a Dictator. It says we have to help someone or face the inevitable emotional backlash that we heap on ourselves. Kindness is self-sacrifice. It motivates us to help someone without any reward. Unlike guilt, it allows us to pick and choose those whom we decide to assist. It also gives us a choice as to how that help is dispensed. Guilt always insists that we have a direct part in helping people. For better or worse, it makes us the unwilling instrument of everyone"s deliverance. Kindness motivates us to find others who can assist people we encounter in ways better then we can. And not just people!
Guilt promotes obsessive behavior. When you"re under its spell, it doesn"t seem that way; but it is a fact nevertheless. A good example is Pet Rescue people. I"ve met many over the years. Some are very well meaning individuals who volunteer their time and efforts to bring unwanted animals into legitimate shelters. Others have convinced themselves that no one can care for abandoned animals like they can. As a result, they flood their homes with unwanted animals. Lacking the finances, knowledge or facilities to care for these creatures, they end up doing far more harm then good. Each year, all kinds of abandoned animals are found in people"s homes or on their property. Despite the fact that most are starving and many are already dead, the individuals responsible for these makeshift shelters gleefully stand up in court and exclaim their "better dead then abused" philosophy toward animals.
Once you learn to ignore guilt as a motivation for helping people, you can really begin to appreciate yourself and others in a normal way. True appreciation is a halfway point between what"s good for you and what"s good for someone else. You must learn not to cross completely over to either side. Instead, maintain an awareness of those who assist you on a regular basis. When you get a chance to return that assistance, do so in a measured way. People with a good grasp on reality understand and respond well to that kind of give and take.
Self-appreciation is not a difficult thing to learn, but it is a tough goal to achieve. Everyone around us who feels bad about themselves will do their best to make sure that we join their ranks. More then just "glass is half empty" people, they are noisy negativists who see the bad side of everyone and everything. Even when something good happens to them, they focus on the things that do not. When something bad happens, they immediately assign blame and ignore solutions to the problem. Part of mastering self-appreciation is being able to admit that no one is perfect. People who appreciate themselves and others know how to face mistakes. Instead of assigning blame, they look for a way to fix the situation to everyone"s satisfaction and benefit. What better expression of appreciation could anyone offer?
Despite the added responsibilities heaped on to our family, I can honestly say that I never felt slighted. However, there was an emotional price to be paid for the generosity forced out of us. Most of our acts of kindness were rewarded with jealousy and ingratitude. This led us to hold each other to a higher standard when it came to appreciation. That higher standard was actually guilt in disguise and began to affect everything we did for each other. As a child, it was particularly upsetting to me. Almost anything I did for myself brought about a response like, "Think of someone else besides yourself for a change." So I did. In fact, thinking of other people and putting them first became a really bad habit. Not because there"s anything wrong with being unselfish, but because I often forgot to be as generous with myself as I was trying to be with others.
It took me years to see what a flunky I had become. I began to see how those I tried to help often rewarded my efforts with the same ingratitude and jealousy that my parents had experienced. It was a classic case of personal neglect. My entire existence had become focused on satisfying the personal guilt that had been burned into my soul during the early years of my life. When your life is driven by guilt, there"s very little room for personal appreciation, achievement or growth. The best way to step out of that mold is by beginning to understand that actions driven by guilt and those motivated by kindness are two separate things.
Guilt is a Dictator. It says we have to help someone or face the inevitable emotional backlash that we heap on ourselves. Kindness is self-sacrifice. It motivates us to help someone without any reward. Unlike guilt, it allows us to pick and choose those whom we decide to assist. It also gives us a choice as to how that help is dispensed. Guilt always insists that we have a direct part in helping people. For better or worse, it makes us the unwilling instrument of everyone"s deliverance. Kindness motivates us to find others who can assist people we encounter in ways better then we can. And not just people!
Guilt promotes obsessive behavior. When you"re under its spell, it doesn"t seem that way; but it is a fact nevertheless. A good example is Pet Rescue people. I"ve met many over the years. Some are very well meaning individuals who volunteer their time and efforts to bring unwanted animals into legitimate shelters. Others have convinced themselves that no one can care for abandoned animals like they can. As a result, they flood their homes with unwanted animals. Lacking the finances, knowledge or facilities to care for these creatures, they end up doing far more harm then good. Each year, all kinds of abandoned animals are found in people"s homes or on their property. Despite the fact that most are starving and many are already dead, the individuals responsible for these makeshift shelters gleefully stand up in court and exclaim their "better dead then abused" philosophy toward animals.
Once you learn to ignore guilt as a motivation for helping people, you can really begin to appreciate yourself and others in a normal way. True appreciation is a halfway point between what"s good for you and what"s good for someone else. You must learn not to cross completely over to either side. Instead, maintain an awareness of those who assist you on a regular basis. When you get a chance to return that assistance, do so in a measured way. People with a good grasp on reality understand and respond well to that kind of give and take.
Self-appreciation is not a difficult thing to learn, but it is a tough goal to achieve. Everyone around us who feels bad about themselves will do their best to make sure that we join their ranks. More then just "glass is half empty" people, they are noisy negativists who see the bad side of everyone and everything. Even when something good happens to them, they focus on the things that do not. When something bad happens, they immediately assign blame and ignore solutions to the problem. Part of mastering self-appreciation is being able to admit that no one is perfect. People who appreciate themselves and others know how to face mistakes. Instead of assigning blame, they look for a way to fix the situation to everyone"s satisfaction and benefit. What better expression of appreciation could anyone offer?
Turn Your Hate into Happiness
I hate Mondays! I hate Birthdays! I hate Holidays! We hear these statements all the time from others and ourselves. Justification for our hatred of certain days isn't hard to come by. Mondays represent the start of a workweek at a job we may despise. Birthdays represent the progression of years we all wish would move at a slower pace. Holidays tend to accentuate preexisting family feuds, loss of loved ones and economic low points. Some people take it a step further and center their anger on people or things.
I hate my cousin, nephew, mother-in-law, father-in-law, ex-boyfriend or next-door neighbor. I hate that dog who roams the neighborhood unsupervised, those kids that play loudly in front of my house or the Meter Reader who walks across my well-kept lawn. You may have some very legitimate reasons for centering anger and even hatred on these people and things, however, there is a price to be paid for constantly focusing on them and you may be surprised at what it is.
Almost everyone I know lives each day based on one or more sets of good or bad events. Those events dictate their every mood and help decide how they will live a particular day. This gives a huge amount of power to things, situations and people that they allow to influence their lives. That power is given away, not earned. In a culture obsessed with Psychology and Psychiatry, we are taught to believe that people, situations and things have power over us cause certain types of behavior. Instead of ignoring those influences, we"re encouraged to explore and understand them. While resolution is possible, it always seems to evade those who follow this path.
I know people who live on therapy and pills. I am not talking about individuals with legitimate mental disorders that may be successfully treated through medication; I am speaking about people who are told they need treatment because something in their lives is upsetting them. If that situation cannot be resolved, it should never be permitted to rule their lives. Some people spend all their time trying to resolve situations that should never have been allowed to overtake them. Sometimes we have to ignore, learn to accept or walk away from situations that we cannot control.
Everyone is different. Some people drive their vehicles all day blissfully unaware of what"s happening on the road around them. Others get upset and beside themselves if someone cuts them off or causes them to miss a light. Regardless of what sets you off in a positive or negative direction, it"s really all about allowing people, situations and things to have power over us. Most people have already surrendered their lives to circumstances. They wake up and allow everything around them to decide what kind of day they"ll have.
I always get a kick out of people I know who get angry with me for not being upset with whatever bad piece of news the media happens to be spewing out at any given time. "Didn't you hear what happened today?" Sure I did. It"s bad news. It has to be because most people in the news media know that good news just doesn't sell. We are incessantly reminded by news reporters, political pundits and talk show hosts how important it is that we listen to them. Instead of making a well informed decision at the ballot box by voting for people we know will represent our particular viewpoint, we"ll told that we must constantly revisit every election by staying on top of government officials and all that they do.
The problem with being directly involved with every political, social or other issue on any given day is that it deflects us from what"s important in our own lives. I have seen more then a few people leave their families, jobs and anything that resembled a normal life to take on a cause they felt worth that cost. However, most of them were not in a normal state of mind when they made that decision. Instead of giving the matter careful thought, they responded to the call to a call for arms levied by other true believers.
There are people who leave radio or cable news channels on all day, then wonder why they are feeling so bad. I listen to the news; however, I do not allow it to decide what kind of day I am going to have. This doesn"t mean that I do not sympathize with people who have been hit by disaster, crime or some terrible calamity. I do. In fact, I have links on several of my websites for people to donate money, time or talent to help those afflicted by all sorts of disasters, economic situations and national tragedies. I care about and support various causes and charities like most other people. I just refuse to allow those things to overtake me on a personal level.
It scares me to think how much I used to allow everything happening around me to rule my life. It"s as if I was in some sort of a coma. I refused to happy unless something happened that gave me a reason to feel good. I lived based on the day"s events and everything going on around me. Needless to say, I was not happy a good deal of the time. I listened to experts on television and the radio and thought that maybe I was the kind of person who might have a tendency towards Depression. I was just about to seek help for being depressed, when I saw the light.
While watching television one morning, it dawned on me how influential the world around me had become on my life. I was watching the news early in the morning when one of my younger children came in the room. I switched the channel to some cartoons. I couldn't help but watch what was on and started laughing. I went out that morning feeling really good. Why? Because my television had told me to. It provided some funny and uplifting entertainment that made me feel good.
Giving it some thought, I became upset at how much I was allowing all sorts of things happening around me to influence my life. I had joined the crowd that played the Blame Game. If someone in my family got me upset, I blamed them for ruining my entire day. If a friend or business associate called with bad news, it was their fault that I couldn"t function to my full potential that day. Not only did I blame others for my feelings, I blamed myself!
If I wasn"t feeling good most of the time, there must have been something mentally wrong with me. I automatically assumed that I needed therapy, pills or couch sessions to solve this imaginary problem. Fortunately, I tried something else before taking any of those steps. I decided to feel the way I wanted to feel each day regardless of my circumstances. After making that decision, it almost seemed ridiculous how much power I had allowed people and things to have over me. Not only did that decision change my personal life, it changed the way I did business.
I stopped allowing Nay Sayers to influence every business decision I made. Since the day I was born, people had told me about all the things I couldn't do. They had decided that I fitted into a certain mold and needed to exist within that narrow expression of economic happiness. Not all of my business decisions have been good ones and thinking outside of the box has't always benefited me. However, moving beyond people"s expectations and making decisions based on what I know about myself instead of everything happening around me have always been good steps in the right direction.
If you want to survive the daily grind and move beyond the influences of everything around you, it"s time to stop living based one what life tosses your way. It will not be easy. Misery loves company and everyone around you will miss the influence they have on the way you feel. You will not always be happy, but you will have the ability to be happy, sad or otherwise based on deliberate choice. You can either handle your emotions, or allow them to handle you. br /> The Little Manual of Happiness – 7 Simple Steps to a Joyful Life
I hate my cousin, nephew, mother-in-law, father-in-law, ex-boyfriend or next-door neighbor. I hate that dog who roams the neighborhood unsupervised, those kids that play loudly in front of my house or the Meter Reader who walks across my well-kept lawn. You may have some very legitimate reasons for centering anger and even hatred on these people and things, however, there is a price to be paid for constantly focusing on them and you may be surprised at what it is.
Almost everyone I know lives each day based on one or more sets of good or bad events. Those events dictate their every mood and help decide how they will live a particular day. This gives a huge amount of power to things, situations and people that they allow to influence their lives. That power is given away, not earned. In a culture obsessed with Psychology and Psychiatry, we are taught to believe that people, situations and things have power over us cause certain types of behavior. Instead of ignoring those influences, we"re encouraged to explore and understand them. While resolution is possible, it always seems to evade those who follow this path.
I know people who live on therapy and pills. I am not talking about individuals with legitimate mental disorders that may be successfully treated through medication; I am speaking about people who are told they need treatment because something in their lives is upsetting them. If that situation cannot be resolved, it should never be permitted to rule their lives. Some people spend all their time trying to resolve situations that should never have been allowed to overtake them. Sometimes we have to ignore, learn to accept or walk away from situations that we cannot control.
Everyone is different. Some people drive their vehicles all day blissfully unaware of what"s happening on the road around them. Others get upset and beside themselves if someone cuts them off or causes them to miss a light. Regardless of what sets you off in a positive or negative direction, it"s really all about allowing people, situations and things to have power over us. Most people have already surrendered their lives to circumstances. They wake up and allow everything around them to decide what kind of day they"ll have.
I always get a kick out of people I know who get angry with me for not being upset with whatever bad piece of news the media happens to be spewing out at any given time. "Didn't you hear what happened today?" Sure I did. It"s bad news. It has to be because most people in the news media know that good news just doesn't sell. We are incessantly reminded by news reporters, political pundits and talk show hosts how important it is that we listen to them. Instead of making a well informed decision at the ballot box by voting for people we know will represent our particular viewpoint, we"ll told that we must constantly revisit every election by staying on top of government officials and all that they do.
The problem with being directly involved with every political, social or other issue on any given day is that it deflects us from what"s important in our own lives. I have seen more then a few people leave their families, jobs and anything that resembled a normal life to take on a cause they felt worth that cost. However, most of them were not in a normal state of mind when they made that decision. Instead of giving the matter careful thought, they responded to the call to a call for arms levied by other true believers.
There are people who leave radio or cable news channels on all day, then wonder why they are feeling so bad. I listen to the news; however, I do not allow it to decide what kind of day I am going to have. This doesn"t mean that I do not sympathize with people who have been hit by disaster, crime or some terrible calamity. I do. In fact, I have links on several of my websites for people to donate money, time or talent to help those afflicted by all sorts of disasters, economic situations and national tragedies. I care about and support various causes and charities like most other people. I just refuse to allow those things to overtake me on a personal level.
It scares me to think how much I used to allow everything happening around me to rule my life. It"s as if I was in some sort of a coma. I refused to happy unless something happened that gave me a reason to feel good. I lived based on the day"s events and everything going on around me. Needless to say, I was not happy a good deal of the time. I listened to experts on television and the radio and thought that maybe I was the kind of person who might have a tendency towards Depression. I was just about to seek help for being depressed, when I saw the light.
While watching television one morning, it dawned on me how influential the world around me had become on my life. I was watching the news early in the morning when one of my younger children came in the room. I switched the channel to some cartoons. I couldn't help but watch what was on and started laughing. I went out that morning feeling really good. Why? Because my television had told me to. It provided some funny and uplifting entertainment that made me feel good.
Giving it some thought, I became upset at how much I was allowing all sorts of things happening around me to influence my life. I had joined the crowd that played the Blame Game. If someone in my family got me upset, I blamed them for ruining my entire day. If a friend or business associate called with bad news, it was their fault that I couldn"t function to my full potential that day. Not only did I blame others for my feelings, I blamed myself!
If I wasn"t feeling good most of the time, there must have been something mentally wrong with me. I automatically assumed that I needed therapy, pills or couch sessions to solve this imaginary problem. Fortunately, I tried something else before taking any of those steps. I decided to feel the way I wanted to feel each day regardless of my circumstances. After making that decision, it almost seemed ridiculous how much power I had allowed people and things to have over me. Not only did that decision change my personal life, it changed the way I did business.
I stopped allowing Nay Sayers to influence every business decision I made. Since the day I was born, people had told me about all the things I couldn't do. They had decided that I fitted into a certain mold and needed to exist within that narrow expression of economic happiness. Not all of my business decisions have been good ones and thinking outside of the box has't always benefited me. However, moving beyond people"s expectations and making decisions based on what I know about myself instead of everything happening around me have always been good steps in the right direction.
If you want to survive the daily grind and move beyond the influences of everything around you, it"s time to stop living based one what life tosses your way. It will not be easy. Misery loves company and everyone around you will miss the influence they have on the way you feel. You will not always be happy, but you will have the ability to be happy, sad or otherwise based on deliberate choice. You can either handle your emotions, or allow them to handle you. br /> The Little Manual of Happiness – 7 Simple Steps to a Joyful Life
Learning from Successful People
In today´s fast-paced economy, staying ahead of competition has been a great concern to many. The old deal in business has changed. Lifetime employment is a thing of the past. With the advent of automation technology, hard skills can hardly guarantee you a life-long job.
Interviews with top managers have consistently revealed that they want empowered individuals who can take the initiative to make good business decisions. An individual can hardly make a good decision if his mind is blank like a piece of white copier paper.
Unfortunately, it takes time to constantly research; to read up about other businesses; to read up on new industry techniques; to expose our minds to new dimensions of thought.
Learning through the experience of others is the shortest route to filling up that piece of paper. It shows you the right path that has already been bashed through by your forerunner and prevents you from repeating the same mistakes that have already been made.
In an ideal situation, it means getting close to successful people in areas of our lives whom we admire, just to have that little conversation with them to learn how they did it.
It is just a matter whether they have the time for us.
And that is also why successful people publish books.
We do not need to spend years to get a Masters in Computing to become an IBM employee, just to learn how its visionary CEO, Louis Gerstner, made decisions that revived the fading corporation with a 360-degree transformation.
All we have to do is simply to pick up his book Who Says Elephants Can´t Dance from a bookstore and finish it while sitting in our comfortable little couches.
This, however, has proven to be a challenge to some. Statistics show that less than ten percent of people who buy a book read past the first few chapter, the primary reason being there are too many other distractions in our daily lives that demand our time and attention.
How to Do That if You are Busy
Time is a commodity that is so scarce when we pursue a life of personal growth and career success. The more successful we get; the less time we have. Yet, we need this time to constantly update ourselves to keep ahead of competition.
However, there is way too much information out there for us to possibly keep up on; be it the new business concepts and applications in top business books, or the new time and stress management strategies in top self-improvement books.
It also takes too much time to slowly mill through every single page of a book. By the end of the month when you have finally finished the book, high chance that you will not be able to recall what you have read in the earlier parts of the book.
You can spend some money to attend a speed-reading class and learn how to save time and read a book quickly.
While the shortest route to success is to learn through the experience of others; the quickest route to learning is to read summaries.
Alternatively, you can pay for someone else´s time to read and write a summary for you.
A summary helps you to bridge the gap between desire for more knowledge and constraint of time.
A former President of the U.S. once said that it is this service that kept him in the loop on news and profiles of people. It is also one of the things he really missed after leaving office.
The service of summarizing books has traditionally been available only to the top 10% of the world´s most influential people. This is what our ministers have been doing.
We can now enjoy this high-value summary service. Do a search on Google with the word book summary and you will be able to see for yourself.
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About the Author
W Summaries is a Singapore-based book summary publication. We summarize books that would profit you: be it advancing your career; protecting your financial assets; safeguarding your health or simply some cheerful reading to brighten up your day! Let us help you bridge the gap between desire for more knowledge and constraint of time.
We are fully confident of the standard of our summaries so we are offering an above-industry standard of satisfaction guarantee - you will vote with your dollars.
Visit http://www.Wsummaries.com/freetrial/ to download a summary and witness for yourself how much knowledge you can gain in just minutes!
Check us out at http://www.Wsummaries.com or contact any of our Relationship Managers at customerservice@wsummaries.com
Problem solving
Problem solving has become a skill that is practiced by few and in demand by many. Instead of solving our own problems, we hire someone else to do it for us. People hire professionals to solve all sorts of problems that most people used to deal with themselves. While this may create a comfortable barrier for some, it also provides the opportunity for others to make major league mistakes in our name.
Just ask anyone in the corporate workplace how many times they wished that an email or memo sent out in their name had been looked over or proof read more carefully. Ask any client of a tax preparation service who has been called for an audit or fined whether or not it was worth it to have someone else prepare his or her return. Most decisions to allow others to take care of your problems come from what you may perceive as lack of time to do it yourself.
We are all overwhelmed with information, communication and time issues. People demand immediate answers to lengthy emails, memos, letters or phone calls. Tax and other official forms get longer and more complicated each year. Just keeping your car registration, driver"s license or even a library card up to date seems to require answers to several dozen questions and a visit to some place where you have to take a number and wait four hours to see someone who resents helping you. Just paying your bills each month can turn into a monotonous chore. Therefore, you take some shortcuts.
You sign up for online bill pay with your bank. You allow auto-pay to handle whatever bill pay cannot. You pay an extra fee or two to avoid standing in line for some license or card renewal. You write a couple of sentences and allow staff members to fill in the blanks when it comes to emails, letters or memos. You handle a few important calls by saying hello, and then turn the call over to someone else to hammer out the details. On the surface, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with all of this. Everything is right with the world until the system fails you.
You start being over-charged by your utility, cable or phone company even after they promised a practically infallible system of monthly auto-pay. Despite using bill pay through a bank or payment system, your credit card, vehicle or revolving charge payments start arriving late leaving you stuck with fees and credit problems. Friends, business associates and family members become annoyed with you because they receive impersonal emails, letters or phone calls from someone other then you. You become a victim of identity theft because of all those time saving forms you filled out on line.
At some point, you become aware that handling things and solving problems yourself can have some distinct advantages. It"s all about learning how to face the problem monsters, successfully defeat them and confront the time wasters who create these horrors. The truth is that no one has time for every demand that people like placing on him or her. I have seen more then a few people simply implode and run away from families, jobs and schools because the pressure got to them. It didn't have to go that far if they had been willing to try to solve even the smallest of their problems. It"s not the big problems that defeat us, but a thousand small ones.
Becoming a problem solver means creating a realistic limit on the things that place demands on your daily life. It means prioritizing. You can"t take Aunt Suzy shopping, answer all your communications, attend the wedding of your third cousin removed, watch your children"s ballgame and take your wife out for lunch, all at the same time. You have to learn how to say, "No." You cannot allow people to send you on any number of endless guilt trips because you do not have the time to do what everyone expects of you. Their expectations are based on their own needs, not yours. They are the ones who ought to feel guilty.
Successful problem solving means learning to balance your personal and professional life. This often means making some hard choices. There are many wealthy people out there today worth millions of dollars who also have two or more ex-spouses and lots of child support payments. That"s because few relationships can stand up to one partner working a twelve or fourteen hour day and the other doing everything else.
If work is your life, keep your personal choices wide open and avoid walking down the wedding aisle. If marriage, a long-term relationship and children are important to you, make sure you have the time needed to invest in those things. Choose your job or business with your personal life in mind. Remember, no one will ever take care better of your family, job or business better then you. This doesn't mean micro managing. It does mean being able to be around when your needed for tough business decisions or family responsibilities. Since you cannot be everywhere at once, you need to limit the number of issues that will require your personal attention at any one time.
Being a good problem solver also means becoming a tough negotiator. People have to understand that you are not like the rest of the crowd that will often cave in to avoid a confrontation. That doesn't mean that you always have to bring a machine gun to the negotiating table. Sometimes you can bring a jar of honey. The idea is to find out what your opponent needs to complete the deal. As long as you"re not on the losing end, what does it matter? If negotiating is an important skill for a problem solver to possess, being able to communicate successfully is vital.
Too many people write long-winded letters, emails or memos. Others leave long provocative voice messages. They will do this because they lack good communication skills or simply want to make themselves look self-important and put you on the spot. Such communications are often pointless time wasters, but still require a response. If you can actually figure out what they are trying to say, respond with a short answer and leave the door open for future discussion at your convenience. If it"s just a communication designed to get your goat, send a prepared, form-like response saying that you appreciate their input and will take it into consideration. The good book offers some great advice on this. It tells us to ignore a foolish question. Otherwise, in trying to answer, we sound as foolish as the person who asked it.
The final piece of the problem solver puzzle involves being prepared for any eventuality. Decide, in advance, how you will respond to most any situation. This puts you in the driver"s seat and takes the momentary advantage of surprise away from any competitor, adversary or opponent. The most successful people in the world are those who have been able to take charge of their lives in every way. They are also the most dangerous to their competition. Taking charge means being ready for what life throws at you, limiting the number of demands on your time, handling your own finances and controlling your own destiny.
Just ask anyone in the corporate workplace how many times they wished that an email or memo sent out in their name had been looked over or proof read more carefully. Ask any client of a tax preparation service who has been called for an audit or fined whether or not it was worth it to have someone else prepare his or her return. Most decisions to allow others to take care of your problems come from what you may perceive as lack of time to do it yourself.
We are all overwhelmed with information, communication and time issues. People demand immediate answers to lengthy emails, memos, letters or phone calls. Tax and other official forms get longer and more complicated each year. Just keeping your car registration, driver"s license or even a library card up to date seems to require answers to several dozen questions and a visit to some place where you have to take a number and wait four hours to see someone who resents helping you. Just paying your bills each month can turn into a monotonous chore. Therefore, you take some shortcuts.
You sign up for online bill pay with your bank. You allow auto-pay to handle whatever bill pay cannot. You pay an extra fee or two to avoid standing in line for some license or card renewal. You write a couple of sentences and allow staff members to fill in the blanks when it comes to emails, letters or memos. You handle a few important calls by saying hello, and then turn the call over to someone else to hammer out the details. On the surface, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with all of this. Everything is right with the world until the system fails you.
You start being over-charged by your utility, cable or phone company even after they promised a practically infallible system of monthly auto-pay. Despite using bill pay through a bank or payment system, your credit card, vehicle or revolving charge payments start arriving late leaving you stuck with fees and credit problems. Friends, business associates and family members become annoyed with you because they receive impersonal emails, letters or phone calls from someone other then you. You become a victim of identity theft because of all those time saving forms you filled out on line.
At some point, you become aware that handling things and solving problems yourself can have some distinct advantages. It"s all about learning how to face the problem monsters, successfully defeat them and confront the time wasters who create these horrors. The truth is that no one has time for every demand that people like placing on him or her. I have seen more then a few people simply implode and run away from families, jobs and schools because the pressure got to them. It didn't have to go that far if they had been willing to try to solve even the smallest of their problems. It"s not the big problems that defeat us, but a thousand small ones.
Becoming a problem solver means creating a realistic limit on the things that place demands on your daily life. It means prioritizing. You can"t take Aunt Suzy shopping, answer all your communications, attend the wedding of your third cousin removed, watch your children"s ballgame and take your wife out for lunch, all at the same time. You have to learn how to say, "No." You cannot allow people to send you on any number of endless guilt trips because you do not have the time to do what everyone expects of you. Their expectations are based on their own needs, not yours. They are the ones who ought to feel guilty.
Successful problem solving means learning to balance your personal and professional life. This often means making some hard choices. There are many wealthy people out there today worth millions of dollars who also have two or more ex-spouses and lots of child support payments. That"s because few relationships can stand up to one partner working a twelve or fourteen hour day and the other doing everything else.
If work is your life, keep your personal choices wide open and avoid walking down the wedding aisle. If marriage, a long-term relationship and children are important to you, make sure you have the time needed to invest in those things. Choose your job or business with your personal life in mind. Remember, no one will ever take care better of your family, job or business better then you. This doesn't mean micro managing. It does mean being able to be around when your needed for tough business decisions or family responsibilities. Since you cannot be everywhere at once, you need to limit the number of issues that will require your personal attention at any one time.
Being a good problem solver also means becoming a tough negotiator. People have to understand that you are not like the rest of the crowd that will often cave in to avoid a confrontation. That doesn't mean that you always have to bring a machine gun to the negotiating table. Sometimes you can bring a jar of honey. The idea is to find out what your opponent needs to complete the deal. As long as you"re not on the losing end, what does it matter? If negotiating is an important skill for a problem solver to possess, being able to communicate successfully is vital.
Too many people write long-winded letters, emails or memos. Others leave long provocative voice messages. They will do this because they lack good communication skills or simply want to make themselves look self-important and put you on the spot. Such communications are often pointless time wasters, but still require a response. If you can actually figure out what they are trying to say, respond with a short answer and leave the door open for future discussion at your convenience. If it"s just a communication designed to get your goat, send a prepared, form-like response saying that you appreciate their input and will take it into consideration. The good book offers some great advice on this. It tells us to ignore a foolish question. Otherwise, in trying to answer, we sound as foolish as the person who asked it.
The final piece of the problem solver puzzle involves being prepared for any eventuality. Decide, in advance, how you will respond to most any situation. This puts you in the driver"s seat and takes the momentary advantage of surprise away from any competitor, adversary or opponent. The most successful people in the world are those who have been able to take charge of their lives in every way. They are also the most dangerous to their competition. Taking charge means being ready for what life throws at you, limiting the number of demands on your time, handling your own finances and controlling your own destiny.
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